I think I have a problem with reading articles about parenting...
oh well.
I am still wrapping my mind around the whole "praise" thing. I will say, I think "good job" is the most over-said phrase in the world and I almost cringe when I hear it now. I started noticing this six or so months ago, about the time I read Unconditional Parenting, and caught myself telling Kolbe "good job" for things like going up the stairs or turning on a light switch. For real, it hit me like a ton of bricks one day - I remember the exact moment (weird) - I just told my son "good job". For turning off a light. Come. On. Since then I have thought a lot about the message that my words and reactions convey to my children. I don't completely agree with Kohn's (book and article author) analysis on praise (check the book out, it really is an interesting read or take a look at Kansas Mom's Book Discussion) and I'm not going to say that I think one should completely withhold all types of praise from kids, especially since some people (kids included) really thrive on words of affirmation. That said though, I think we need to help our children internalize their successes more, so that as they grow they do things (whether it is behavior, athletics, grades or job performance) because they are motivated internally, not externally. But honestly, now that I have begun noticing the whole "good job" thing more, it just comes across as really disingenuous, intentionally or otherwise, when I hear people say "good job" because their kid stacked two blocks, went down the slide or turned off a light (blush). And that's not to say I don't show enthusiasm for things my kids do, but I try to do it in a way that keeps their attention on what they just did, and not my reaction. Does that make sense? When Gemma goes across the monkey bars by herself, instead of automatically yelling "GOOD JOB," I find a simple high five or saying, "you did it!" tend to be much more appropriate, and in turn cause her to internalize her success rather than looking to me for affirmation (or the opposite) every time she does (or does not do) something. If Gemma picks up the room for me or puts some laundry away or sets the table, rather than saying "good job _____," I simply say, "thank you. I appreciate your helpfulness." If the kids stay close in the parking lot instead of running around like crazy banshees who want to send their mother to an early grave, I tell them that I am glad they remembered appropriate parking lot behavior and we move on pretty matter-of-factly. I guess I just don't 100% buy into the whole 'positive reinforcement' thing (which I won't get started on because this novel may turn into a series at that rate). Above all, I just try to be genuine and authentic with my children, like I would with another adult. I mean, I don't go around telling Aaron "good job" every time he goes to work or cooks a tasty meal or fixes the toilet paper hanger for the zillionth time. I certainly let him know that we appreciate him and all he does for us, but "good job" is not the first phrase that pops in my head when talking with an adult, so why should it be with my kids? Maybe it's all semantics. I don't know. Thoughts? Comments?? I really would appreciate some engaging discussion on this one, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
How to Fix your Child's Attitude - This was so. good. Read it.
The Sweet Spot between Permissive and Strict - I liked this a lot. It really helped me mentally hash out my feelings on the subject of strictness vs. permissiveness more articulately than many of the things I've read of late. I really liked the distinction it gave between authoritative and authoritarian and the nifty chart explaining it all. Maybe I'm just a chart nerd though. These thoughts on consequences/punishments vs. natural consequences provoked some good thought as well.
And lest you think all I do is sit around eating dark chocolate and drinking wine (oh wait...) and reading parenting articles all day, this one on authentic Catholic charity was really good.
Also, be sure to check out Erika's Food-for-Thought sometime this weekend, she will be posting a delightful article about Whole Foods. Trust me. You don't want to miss it.
7 comments:
Ha ha ha, I had an irrational impulse to comment "Good job!" after reading your post.
As far as the "praise" thing goes I honestly think it's a matter or personality. Some parents have a natural cheerleader like personality while others are more of a 'golf-clap' type of parent.
I think, like you said, the key is to be genuine and not try and follow anyone else's script or 'chart' or anything. Sometimes nifty charts and suggested phrases/words can offer good ideas/suggestions but the key is to be who you are and see your kid as the kid God created them to be and not try and add in any superficial expectations (to your child or you!)
I'm not saying I don't appreciate some of what these blog posts you linked are trying to get at. But sometimes it seems we (including myself!) over think parenting WAY too much.
i really liked the "sweet spot" article-thanks for sharing. i was just telling a friend the other day, i struggle between wanting to be an easy going hippy mom and wanting military style obedience ; ) i think i'll make tim read it so we can feel reinforced in what we're trying to do.
The "sweet spot" article made more sense than 100 other articles I have read on parenting. It just really hit the nail on the head for me and has given me a little more direction and clarity in my parenting philosophy. Glad you liked it.
It's funny, since reading this I've been paying more attention to how often I say "good job" and it's not as often as I thought. I tend to just point out the good that they did when I can since I'm so good at pointing at the bad :(. But instead of saying "good job" I'll say something like, I like how you put your shoes away when I asked you to. Or, in art class, I like how you combined those colors like that, etc.
Anyway, I always thought about this more and - with the "child/adult temperament God gave you" I think kids/adults need "praise" more than others. It's also like the "love language" thing. I know I, for one, LOVE 'praise' or acknowledgment. I seem to feed off it, maybe a little too much but it's just kind of the way I am.
ack, one more thing: It can't hurt to say "thank you" instead of "good job" right? ;)
Yeah that's what I was getting at....if they do something nice say thank you, if you observe something they did (mixing colors) just make an observation, etc.
I guess I just think a lot of people have gotten really over-the-top about praising kids for every. last. thing. and in extreme cases I think you run the risk of either creating praise junkies or having kids who think your love is dependent on them doing a good job.
Interesting stuff to ponder anyways.
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